(no subject)

[theletter]

It was just another day at the residence of Kira, his girlfriend, and his arch nemesis in their new-found hometown, Death City. Or, at least as far as L was currently aware, it began just like any other day. Seeing as Watari wasn't about and neither Light nor Misa were open to playing Fetch Sweets For the Spoiled Manchild for longer than perhaps once in a blue moon, L was cursed with having to make trips to the refrigerator every time he wanted something to eat (or, consequentially, L taking as many sweets as he dare in one trip and litter whatever area he was occupying with a plethora of various sugar-filled substances so he didn't have to make a trip every time he wanted something different to snack on). As far as L was concerned, every food that contained even a little bit of sugar was his to do with as he liked, with perhaps the exception to this being apples. This was why, when L opened the fridge door this particular trip and found a particularly tasty-looking cake labeled For Light ~ xoxo Misa, he had no qualms ignoring the label and taking it out of the fridge with the intention of eating it. L had a sneaking suspicion Light wouldn't mind too terribly, as sweets were never his thing anyway.

It's not as though it was the first time Misa had made cake, either, though it was the first time she had labeled it especially for Light. Obviously, she had done something special to this cake. Maybe all the other cakes in the fridge were poisoned with something aimed at L and only this one was exempt, or maybe she'd made this cake with Light's specific tastes in mind. Perhaps she'd hidden a piece of Death Note inside that she'd somehow kept from their world, though it was unlikely. There wasn't any reason for her to go to such lengths to present it to Light if that was the case. Not to mention since Light wasn't much of a cake fan in the first place, there would be little reason to make a cake especially for him if all the others were somehow poisoned or on a lower level of quality in an attempt to get at L for invading their privacy. In fact, it would be more likely that this especially marked cake was poisoned. If L gave Misa the benefit of the doubt and figured she knew very well that Light didn't eat cake while L very much did and had this in mind while making this cake, it could be likely she intended for L to be the one to eat it all along and put the label there for good measure. Though there was always the possibility that she had prepared it especially and intended it for Light and whatever she had done to it could only be sustained or perhaps easily overlooked when in cake.

In any case, the way L intended to test this out was to present Light with said cake and have him try it before eating any of it himself. If the cake was in fact simply of a higher quality than what she usually made, it would be worth it to put it to the test. With this in mind, L took the time to - messily - cut the cake into slices. He took two plates out of the cupboard to set slices on, pocketed the label Misa had made, grabbed a couple of forks, and set out to find out where Light had gotten to. It shouldn't take him too long, not when their apartment was as small as it was.

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[xanatospileup.livejournal.com]

Light absolutely refused to look at L, yet even that was not enough to take his mind off of the other and take him to a place far, far removed from the current situation. Hyper aware still of the hand grasping his wrist, it was akin to an electric shock in the way it struck through him, pulsating, this horrible, horrible sensation. This wasn't his body, there was absolutely no way, he thought to himself. Not when he found himself surreptitiously eying the other out of the corner of his eye, only to realize what he was doing and snap back to attention.

"I'm sitting down now, so let go of my wrist," he replied in a harsh, low voice, his entire face concentrated into one big frown. If only he could run to the bathroom and splash his face with water, among other things; and yet, that wasn't an option. Even after mentally hitting himself over the head for it, he did still notice L's strange conduct, eyes widening in horror as he shifted his legs into a cross-legged position and swallowed hard.

"You can feel it, too, now, can't you?" Light said, his voice both sullen and breathy.

[aforceofjustice.livejournal.com]

The finger wedged between L's teeth pulled back out. "I'm afraid you'd run away if I did." L responded in a voice just as low, but not near as harsh. This was certainly an interesting development, to say the least. L didn't quite know what to do with it. Of course, the most obvious solution would be for the two of them just to go at it like rabbits, but the thought of L and Kira having sex was absurd enough that L snorted out loud when it crossed his mind. Not to mention, he doubted Misa would be very happy to learn that the cake she had intended to ramp up the sex she and her boyfriend usually have was basically the cause of him going and sleeping with another man. Light was obviously uncomfortable with L just touching his wrist, and had always been one to shy away from physical contact. He probably didn't like sex all that much to begin with, which would be where Misa's incentive to get him more involved by feeding him aphrodisiac would come into play.

Light's question, however, brought a bit of heat to his face as L gazed at the younger man who's wrist he still held. It wasn't at all a stretch to say that Light was beautiful and aesthetically pleasing, as corrupt as he was on the inside. The thought of Kira didn't deter this thought, either, even though it had kept such wondering at bay for as long as L had worked on the case. L simply couldn't afford looking at people that way back when he was the greatest detective in the world, and he simply grew accustomed never to think such thoughts. Now, when L was no longer the professional entity and he was being influenced by a very pervasive aphrodisiac, it was as if his brain was letting him notice all the things that made Light pretty. And, well, there were a lot of things. In such a situation, the fact that Light was Kira only managed to make L even more excited about the prospect of Light.

Funny how L could dismiss something as ridiculous one moment and seriously considering it the next.

If the leering L was doing wasn't enough of an answer, he managed to get out a soft reply. Light might notice that the hand around his wrist grew slightly tighter, and the light tint to L's cheeks was slowly bringing color to his normally pale face. "Yes, I can feel it."

[xanatospileup.livejournal.com]

He didn't like the way L was looking at him right now, a thought that swirled around in his mind until it felt as though a torrential wave was crashing down on him, obliterating all reasoning as he simply sat rooted to the spot. Just as soon as he'd lifted his eyes and looked L in the face he dropped his gaze once more, his expression as torn as he felt. That L only increased his grip on his wrist made him even more flightier than before, breathing hard as he struggled to grapple onto some semblance of composure.

"Then you should know that you need to let me go," he said, his tone laced with panic even despite his best efforts to hide it. Not even giving L the chance to reply, he made to stand up and tug himself away from the other's grip.

[aforceofjustice.livejournal.com]

Though he knew Light had the right to refuse, knew that allowing Light to leave would be the smart thing to do, L found he didn't want Light to leave. Even if L didn't act on this new, crazy idea of his, he would be all right with that as long as Light was there and he was able to touch him, to continue to hold on to that wrist. Or, at least, that's what he thought he would be all right with. L had gone without sex his whole life, never felt the need to be with anyone else. Ignoring a few primal instincts wasn't that hard, was it? Though if he got right down to it, he didn't want to ignore them. Light had disregarded the rights of thousands of people, L had no qualms about doing so himself. The only thing that caused him to pause was the unknown of where this would put their relationship.

If they were going to engage in any sexual acts, L didn't want it to be like this. He didn't want to force himself onto Light. That torn expression on Light's face, however, made him think that perhaps somewhere Light wanted this just as much as he did. In fact, he knew Light did. They had taken the same aphrodisiac and thus were feeling the same effects. L was merely being more honest with himself than Light was. Instead, Light was scared of it, probably because of how much he wanted it. It wasn't so much that sex with L was terrifying, instead it was the prospect that he would enjoy it that was terrifying. If L could show him there was nothing to be afraid of, help him realize that what he was panicking over wasn't something to be afraid of, but something he should be looking forward to? L didn't have much - any - experience, but that was part of what made it exciting.

As Light stood up, L's grip remained tight but his arm limp as Light tugged on it. After a few moments of contemplation, L put his feet down on the floor and tugged in turn in order to pull himself into a standing position next to Light, loosening his grip after getting himself situated. "You're being ridiculous. Calm down. I'm not going to do anything to you." Of course, that was a lie, but when had L ever been known to be honest?

[xanatospileup.livejournal.com]

Unable to shake L off, he started feeling faint, unable to catch his breath as his heart beat wildly in his chest and his vision began to blur before his eyes. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say Light was near hyperventilating by this point, feeling very much cornered and trapped, much like a caged animal would as it continuously ran into walls in its sheer panic. He couldn't possibly believe L's words, not when his own mind and body were screaming at him to touch, a thought that shocked him to his very core.

"And what am I supposed to do, just sit here and wait it out!?" he snapped angrily, his emotions in entire disarray until he felt like he might just collapse the way a puppet would once its strings were cut. Even more embarrassing was the implication that he needed to run off to the bathroom to "take care of it". Either way, it was obvious he couldn't remain standing, not with the state he was in.

[aforceofjustice.livejournal.com]

L didn't respond to Light's question verbally. Frankly, he was tired of the continual panicking going on over the urge to be intimate with one another. They already knew each other's minds quite well. In fact, they knew each other's bodies a decent amount as well, what with the months of being tethered to each other twenty-four seven and occasional fist fights they got into. So, L decided to change his strategy. As odd as it was for L to admit this very thing, he knew being rational wasn't going to do any good, and thus his only option was to resort to something irrational. With this in mind, L's grip on Light's wrist tightened once again. L turned to start pulling Light in the direction of the bedroom. L's patience with trying to calm Light down had run out. If Light wanted to panic over something, it might as well be over something that was going to happen instead of the mere implication of it happening.

[xanatospileup.livejournal.com]

He couldn't believe this was happening, wouldn't allow himself to believe this was happening, and yet he knew somewhere deep down that if he allowed L to drag him into the bedroom, there would be no turning back. With this in mind, he immediately began digging his feet into the carpet, desperately trying to extricate himself from the other's grasp as he cried out. "What the hell do you think you're doing!?" Feeling even worse for wear now as his body seemingly betrayed him, his movements were sluggish as he tried in vain to wrest control back.

[aforceofjustice.livejournal.com]

And naturally, Light continued to do exactly what he'd been doing: panic. At least this time L had actually given him something to panic about. And yet still, L wasn't amused. And even annoyed as L was, he was still tempted to just stop, stand, and appreciate Light. As annoying as Light's panicking was, it was also a little cute. Of course, when that thought crossed L's mind he had to wonder just how much he himself had been suppressing and perhaps how wise Light was to just panic and try to run away while he still could.

That wasn't enough to convince L to let Light go, though, mostly because that thought came from the head above his shoulders and the head in between his legs thought it was about damn time it got a turn.

So, L kept his grip on Light's wrist strong and marched right up to the bedroom door, opened it, and turned to grab Light's wrist with both of his hands in order to pull him inside. He did all this while saying, "You want this as much as I do, Light; you're just too deep in denial to admit it to yourself."

[xanatospileup.livejournal.com]

The closer they got to the bedroom, the more his already fragile state of mind seemed to be spiraling out of control. Then, finally, L had swung the door open and before he had a chance to say anything wrapped both hands around his wrist and tugged. Too busy staring, flabbergasted, upon hearing the words that had come out of the other's mouth, he ended up losing his center of gravity, feet no longer firmly planted in place, and almost tripped on the carpet before finding himself stumbling right smack dab into L and clinging to him for support. When his brain did manage to catch up to the rest of the situation, his face turned all seven shades of red as he recoiled and let go of the other, as if burned by the touch, and attempted to backpedal his way the hell out of there.

"You-- You said you wouldn't do anything to me, you goddamn liar!" he quailed all the while.

[aforceofjustice.livejournal.com]

L grabbed Light's arms before he had the chance to escape, pulling the younger further inside the room while letting go with one hand in order to reach and shut the door behind them while keeping a strong grip on Light to make sure he wouldn't escape, speaking as he did so. "For something you want, you are being unbelievably childish about this, Light." In moving thus, L intended to place himself between Light and the closed door.

Even as he spoke, he had noticed Light hadn't denied it. As skilled a liar as Light was, L knew Light couldn't deny these feelings anymore than he could, not when they were so strong. In this situation, it was much easier for Light to point his finger at L than reflect upon himself.

[xanatospileup.livejournal.com]

He was really in for it now, his means of escape cut off, unable to move as that hand held his arm in an uncharacteristically firm iron grip, probably a reflection of just how serious L truly was. For it to be a joke, this was already way too far.

"And what the hell makes you think you can decide that for me?" he grimaced, still trying to yank himself away, his heart pounding in his chest like a jack rabbit's with nowhere left to run. "Why are you even doing this, this isn't the only option here!"

[aforceofjustice.livejournal.com]

"Fine then! You tell me what we should do. Run away from each other because we're supposed to be enemies? Hide in separate rooms and wait for this to pass? Pretend that this didn't bring up feelings I've not felt in all the time I was alive?" L knew that some of this was more than the effects of whatever sort of aphrodisiac Misa had used, he knew it had to be. An aphrodisiac by itself wouldn't make him yearn, nor would it make him suddenly care, at least not like this. "You've done nothing but panic ever since I made it obvious the cake was laced with something. Panicking does not help us solve our dilemma and until you calm down and face what's currently terrifying you, your panic will only get worse."

[xanatospileup.livejournal.com]

Light froze once he saw the anger and frustration in the other's eyes, heard it in the harsh words currently being thrown at him. Quieting, he lowered his eyes, simply staring at the ground so he wouldn't have to meet the other's eyes; if even this was so hard, he couldn't even begin to imagine actually having sex with the man before him.

"It's not because we're 'supposed' to be enemies, it's because we are," he replied in a low voice. Not only that, but there was another factor at play here that was equally appalling. "Also, we're both guys..."

[aforceofjustice.livejournal.com]

"Not are, Light. Were. We can't go back to that world no matter how much you may want to, and here there's only the memory of a time when we were enemies to sustain your belief that we remain so today." L drew closer to Light as he spoke. "The situation has changed. It can be said that as long as Kira exists, L will oppose him. However, there is no Kira here. You are Kira, yes, but what I'm referring to is your judgment, your power. None of that is here with you now. L the detective has been stripped of his title, reputation, and resources. Without those he is nothing more than a common detective, in fact, he is little more than a vital piece of a system that has fallen apart."

L had paused in his approach, but not to consider Light's mention of their both being guys. In fact, he seemed very sure it didn't bother him. "Do you have a problem with our both being male?" He was close to Light, probably much closer than Light was currently comfortable with as in the position he was in now, L could easily lift his head to steal a kiss from Light.

[xanatospileup.livejournal.com]

A small sound of discomfort escaped his lips as L drew closer, attempting to lean back as far as he could despite L's hand tightly grasping his arm. He felt impossibly hot now, the sudden proximity threatening to unscrew a valve that would let all of his emotions burst forth. It was difficult to look away with L looming in so close, hounding him as he was, yet he could hear the clock ticking when he did, counting down as his restraint melted away in a pleasant wave of euphoria.

"And because of that reasoning suddenly it's fine for us to go ahead and have sex?" he gritted his teeth, trying to stare L down with all the willpower he had left; yet simply showing that he wasn't afraid would never be enough to have L back down. In a slightly shakier voice, he continued. "Yes, I do."

[aforceofjustice.livejournal.com]

L felt compelled to move further and close the distance, but he refrained in order to speak. Luckily, he had another idea that would leave his mouth unoccupied and free to communicate with coherent thoughts. "Yes. I would say this reasoning leaves us free to do whatever we want without having to worry about the repercussions on nearly the same level as we would have in our previous lives."

As L began to speak, his free hand approached Light's torso, seeking out where his shirt and the top of his pants met. L dipped his fingers into Light's pants with the intention to grab the shirt material that was tucked in and pull it out. If that process was left uninterrupted, it was likely Light would soon feel L's cold fingertips grace the skin of his stomach. All while L continued to talk.

"I suppose you ought to bring that issue up with whoever decided the both of us should be born male. Though I am curious as to why you would let this bother you. You're not considering Misa's feelings, are you?"

[xanatospileup.livejournal.com]

Not that it hadn't already before, but with L suddenly trying to untuck his shirt and divest him of his clothing the gravity of the situation was truly starting to set in now, amongst other things. Another spike of pleasure flared up in his groin, his face heating up like a pressure cooker. Feeling very much like he had been burned by the touch, Light practically jumped out of his skin as he tried fruitlessly once more to yank himself away.

"It's not-- It's not about Misa, what the hell are you doing!" he cried indignantly, eyes wide in something akin to pleasure and horror all rolled up into one.

[aforceofjustice.livejournal.com]

"It's nothing to be afraid of, Light." L kept his grip on Light's arm firm and continued to caress Light's skin with his other hand as it spread and L's palm was moving along the skin up Light's ribs and to his chest. L shifted to stand at a better angle to maneuver since Light himself had slightly shifted in his little freak out. The hand inside Light's shirt traveled around his side, following the bones of the ribcage, only to turn and dive and continue its journey down Light's back, headed towards its destination: the space in between the fabric of Light's underwear and his ass. What L said next was little more than a murmur, but with Light at such close range there was little to no chance he wouldn't have heard it (unless he happened to be crying out in protest at the time), "Perhaps we should move to the bed."

[xanatospileup.livejournal.com]

Light shivered, partly because of the hand currently exploring underneath his shirt and caressing his skin, but also due to the unsettling nature of the other's words. Despite himself, he found that he was suddenly suspended in place by a much greater force than his rationale, overriding his senses so that all he felt were those hands. Gaping, his eyelids lowered in something resembling a haze, the hands that had previously been trying to tear him away from the other now holding onto him shakily.

"It's the damn drugs... No, I don't-- Why the hell are you so goddamn eager..." he rambled, too distracted to think properly, even more so when the hand at his backside caused him to squirm once more and accidentally rut his hips forward, clamping down on a low moan.

[aforceofjustice.livejournal.com]

L inhaled sharply at the unexpected - but most definitely welcomed - encouragement in the form of Light's hips inciting oh so beautiful friction against his own. L's hands and fingers dug into Light's back, pulling the younger man flat against L's curved and angled body so his hips could press back in turn, over and over in a steady roll. Thoughts of moving to the bed vanished from his drugged mind for the moment when he allowed himself to be overwhelmed in the sensation, away from his mind and into his body. L didn't speak, for he knew if he let out sound he'd be opening himself up enough to let Light hear how much L was caught up in the act and enjoying it as well. So instead of answering Light with words, L's mouth decided to direct its attention to the side of the younger man's neck, sucking at the skin and massaging it with his tongue.

[xanatospileup.livejournal.com]

The rational part of his brain told him he just wanted to scream right now, yet rather than the scream he wanted to let out all that came from his throat was a sharp exhalation, like he was choking on air itself just to keep himself from out and out moaning in pleasure. He was still too petrified to even move, an indiscernible expression painting his face now, as though he were trying to decide where he even was right now, head riding on nothing but pure unadulterated sensation now. Certainly not here, pressed flush against the one man he told himself he hated above all else and feeling his face light up from the suction on his neck. He wanted to pry the detective away from him, but instead of clawing at those arms for release he found himself grappling onto them and wanting more, just trying to hang on for the ride as the other's movements sent him reeling in waves.

[aforceofjustice.livejournal.com]

L's lips began to travel up Light's neck to his jaw and from Light's jaw to his cheek, and from Light's cheek to pause in front of his lips. L's eyes were half-lidded as they stared at the close face before them, his hips pausing a moment in their eager dance to appreciate the tension. It was amazing the appreciation L was able to feel for the man in front of him. Light hated L, and there were times when L didn't much like Light. The two of them were always at odds, two sides of the same coin, struggling with each other to be the one whose side came up on top. Sometimes it seemed Light could annoy L just as easily as L could annoy Light, but at that moment L felt none of that. L felt the erection straining against his jeans, and L felt Light's breath on his skin, but there was no hate, dislike, or even distrust in L, not when all he could focus on was wanting to touch and experience and taste the beautiful mass murderer in front of him. Briefly, L wondered what exactly Misa had put in that cake to get him feeling like this, but the wondering was cast aside when L's hands moved once more, trailing along bare skin only to end up at a button in the front of Light's shirt, one that was quickly unfastened.

L didn't talk, didn't want to talk, didn't want to think, only wanted to feel, as he continued to unfasten and open Light's buttoned shirt. Intellectually, L knew surrendering to his emotional state was dangerous, especially considering it was being tampered with, but L wasn't listening to his intellect at the moment. It was strange, but thrilling - freeing. It was scary, but L wasn't afraid. Light was just as lost in his emotions and sensations as L was, and he had done enough panicking for the both of them. This was something for the both of them to experience together.

[xanatospileup.livejournal.com]

This was too much, Light's eyelids growing heavy under the weight of his arousal, blinking back beads of sweat as L's lips brushed against his skin, cheek burning where they had been just prior to hovering now in front of his own lips. Somehow, it felt like it would be all over if the other kissed him now, and anything that happened after that would be completely out of his control. That was fine by his body, and a good portion of his frazzled mind now, too, yet still he tried stubbornly to cling onto those last little remnants. He felt like he was being put on the spot—almost quite literally, with the way the other was feeling him up—blood rushing through his head where L's steady gaze should have drained it of blood entirely.

He knew that L didn't want to talk, focused solely on unbuttoning his shirt now, but he still wanted to, while he still could. Quickly, he snatched the other's hand away from his shirt just as it was undoing another button. "You'll still remember this even after the drugs wear off, you know," he said stiffly, trying only to no doubt fail in dissuading the other. It may as well have been set in stone by this point, but this wasn't something he wanted to take the responsibility of etching it into his own mind for.

[aforceofjustice.livejournal.com]

L allowed his hand and arm to hang limply as his hand was held by Light.

Light's words brought him back, addressed the consciousness L had left in such a state. And L did think, and consider, and realized he was tired of it. L had died, Watari had died, and his thinking had failed to save him from even that. If this was L rebelling against what he had been in a previous life, then so be it. It was a childish way to look at the situation, L knew, but L was tired and drugged and he didn't mind using such as an excuse. Maybe he could make Light scream, use this experience as another means to blackmail Light.

But, truthfully, that's not what he wanted from this experience. He wanted someone he could trust, someone he could fall asleep on without having to spend the energy to hate. With Watari gone, L was looking for that person in places he never would normally, reaching out to find respite in one of the criminals he had sworn to catch. L's sense of professionalism had crumbled the moment Watari left his side, and he felt empty without his work. He had no purpose here in Death City. The closest thing to his old life he had was Kira, was Light, and to Kira, to Light, he clung.

There was no doubt in L's mind about this. It was impossible for them to return to the way things were, L knew that, so why not shift the dynamic between them through their intentions instead of just circumstance's? L had the chance to turn away long before this, even before he ate his piece of cake.

L's lips moved to press against Light's softly, then firmly, to seal the deal with a kiss. And with the seal, those lips brought Light's answer, even before L parted in order to speak it out loud. "I know."

[xanatospileup.livejournal.com]

Light went completely limp the moment L's lips touched his own, as though right then and there any sort of lingering resistance there might have been had been trampled underfoot by the contact. It was so soft at first that it almost didn't seem to even register, yet the gravity of it all came crashing down on him when those same lips pressed against his more insistently, demanding his attention. The hand that was holding L's squeezed reflexively, as though to hold on to him, to this moment; the way he was behaving was a complete and utter paradox, and even though he continued to blame the drugs for it something in him told him that maybe, just maybe this would be okay, that he wasn't in his right mind anyway. Even just that thought right there was a testament in itself.

It was so very hard, and yet also so very easy, to just let go, and he found himself struggling in a balancing act between the two. In his eyes there was a plethora of doubt and self-loathing at the fact that it had even gotten this far, and yet he didn't let go of that hand, bangs obscuring his eyes as he lowered his chin against his chest, the aphrodisiac spreading like a lethal poison that would only get worse and worse if he chose not to succumb to it. Where had all of that strength of conviction gone to, Light wondered, alongside the realization that he really couldn't take it anymore.

"We should move to the bed then," he said in a low, ambiguous voice, making to move toward there.